Something for the Weekend How can you tell if a fish is upset? It doesn't grind its pharyngeal teeth, clench its fins or utter moist oaths. And it's not as if you can see tears streaming down its face.

Well, there's an app for that. OK, not an app, at least not yet, but lab boffins at Pacific Northwest National Laboratory have developed a wireless device to not just track where a fish is swimming but also monitor its health and behavior. Miniaturized to about the size of a pen cap, this biotelemetry tag senses everything from heartbeat to tail beat and ambient environmental conditions such as water pressure and (oh yes) magnetic field.

The information gathered by the 2.4g device should help scientists determine what stresses a fish out – climate change, human infrastructure projects, that kind of thing. For example, legislation in many countries insists that migratory species such as salmon are not made too sulky by the introduction of hydropower facilities to want to swim upstream for a bit of piscine nookie.

They're calling it "Lab-on-a-fish." It's essentially a fishy Fitbit.

I wonder if I might borrow one as I think I have upset my neighbor's fish. The neighbor asked me to pop round twice a day while she was away to add some feed, keep its water clean, and check for those subtle telltale signs such as floating upside down immobile at the surface.

I felt sorry for the little fish in its bare tank and so I installed some aquatic furniture that I bought from a pet shop.

I thought a sunken castle, plastic seaweed and a bubbling treasure chest would cheer it up. Instead, the fish is acting kind of… grumpy. I suspect it doesn't like the sudden gentrification of its environment. Perhaps I should have prepared it for the change by introducing a miniature skip and some landscape gardening tools before the subaqueous yuppies moved in.

Lab-on-a-fish already counts tail-flicks (is 10,000 a day the target?) but to be a real fish fitness tracker it should be developed further to record what the fish is eating.

Not that I have ever seen an obese fish reluctant to go on the scales, but what animals feed on can change their behavior. Research by the Milner Centre of Evolution even suggests vegetarian birds are more sociable than insect-eaters.

It's completely the opposite with humans: veggies and vegans are fussy, difficult, and lonely buggers who never get invited to dinner. I should know. Meat-eaters, by contrast, are gregarious and easy to please. So much so that they will eat any old shit if everyone else is eating it, according to yet more research.

The BI Norwegian Business School found that if a celebrity influencer such as Angelina Jolie or Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson endorsed energy bars made of crickets or mealworm burgers, carnivores would follow suit.

According to the study, men were most influenced by famous actors and athletes telling them to eat insects. Women were found to be even more responsive to actors saying it's OK to chomp on creepy-crawlies but totally put off by musicians saying the same thing. Now you know.

Me, if I'm low on protein, I eat some peanuts.

Could a future fish fitness tracker gather enough behavioral data one day to determine whether fish would respond to similar peer pressure? I was going to say that it would be hilarious to imagine what an aquatic-life influencer would look like, but I think I have seen plenty on TikTok already.

Talking of desperate social media marketing and influencers with the mental capacity of a tadpole, you are reading this in the middle of the French presidential election. And it's turning out to be a tech-tastic media blast as the 12 candidates (yes, 12) try to convince voters that they'd metaphorically adore eating dung beetles for breakfast.

The most notable media coverage of the election in terms of IT ignorance so far has been that of left-wing firebrand Jean-Luc Mélenchon's simultaneous appearance as a "hologram" across multiple city venues across France.

"Hologram" – yeah, right. As you have already guessed by looking at the footage above, it's not a hologram, it's the classic Pepper's Ghost illusion in which a moving image is mirrored onto a sheet of glass on stage. It's a nice trick but apart from the digital capture and projection, the technology dates back to 1862.

You'd know if I'd been at one of the "hologram" speeches this week – I'd be the one shouting from the back: "Viva Las Vegas! Do Hound Dog!"

Still, if spittle-spraying Mélenchon's team are calling it a "hologram," everyone follows suit and calls it a "hologram" even when they know it is not. As in "artificial intelligence" (ie, it's not intelligent), "cryptocurrency" (not a currency) and "smart lightbulb" (do you really need me to explain that one?)

More surprising is how everyone missed a trick by not claiming that Melvis was appearing on multiple stages around the country via the metaverse. As a Forrester report pointed out, business decision-makers are running around talking about the metaverse as if it actually existed – which of course it doesn't. But hey, don't let that stop you!

In fact, if you think there is a metaverse and that French presidential candidates are holograms, I have an NFT you might be interested in.

Luxury gift designer Goldgenie is selling NFTs that come with a diamond-encrusted 24k gold iPhone Max 13. The phone is a real phone, albeit with more than a hint of fugly Saddam/Trump chic, but I can't describe what the NFT is for reasons you can work out for yourself. It's selling for $250,000. Don't all rush at once. If only The Rock could demonstrate that it's OK to eat one, eh?

Ah, excuse me, my watch has reminded me it's time to feed the fish. He may be grumpy but he has me well-trained.

Before I go, allow me to add a footnote to say that this week's column marks 10 years of SFTW. A whole decade of this, just imagine! Yes, I know, it seems longer. And it began here. Every column is still on The Reg for your reading displeasure, so as hologrammatic AI Angeline Jolie says, eat them up now.

Thanks for staying faithful, friends.

Something for the Weekend A robot is performing interpretive dance on my doorstep.

WOULD YOU TAKE THIS PARCEL FOR YOUR NEIGHBOR? it asks, jumping from one foot to the other.

"Sure," I say. "Er… are you OK?"

Something for the Weekend Which do you prefer: sweat or green slime? Both are being touted as clean sources of energy to drive electronic devices.

Hmm. “Clean” is not how my sweat has heretofore been described, least of all the morning after a garlic curry. But even my pit-pong pales into paucity compared with the environmental damage inflicted by a nuclear power station. And for all my lack of wattage, I positively glow in outrageously self-obsessed smugness. I must let my LinkedIn followers know.

Still, green slime – aka "blue green algae" – has its advantages over sweat. It is more plentiful for a start. Which would be the better option for powering small computers? It’s literally a power struggle between the two. And there is only so much sweat I can produce per day (despite Mme D’s observations to the contrary).

Something for the Weekend We're standing still. The suspense is unbearable. One of us is going to crack.

On the large projector screen is a message: "The application is not responding." Facing the large projector screen is a roomful of startup dudes. Staring back at them, and situated just underneath the projector screen, is the flailing, forlorn presenter himself: me.

"It's never done that before," I lie as I eventually give up frantically tapping the keyboard and jabbing the trackpad as if I was playing whack-a-mole.

Something for the Weekend Another coffee, please. Yes, I know we're about to start. There is always time for one more coffee. It's good for your brain. Thanks.

Could you hold my cup for a moment? I need to visit the restroom. Yes, I know we're about to start; you told me that already. There is always time for coffee AND a comfort break. Yes, I know the two are related but I don't have time to chat about it. I'm bursting here.

How about I drink the coffee straight away, nip to the WC, and return pronto? Slurp argh that's hot. Thanks, I'll be right back.

Something for the Weekend "We all know what we're doing today? Good. Do your best!"

With that cheery note, our new project director sweeps out of the 10:00 stand-up meeting and away to… someplace or another, I don't know, wherever it is that project directors go. Project managers can be found everywhere, usually nearby a waste basket overflowing with disposable coffee cups, but project directors? Who can say?

These project directors are a mystery. It's not a job title I'd come across before. They just swan in from time to time, managerial but polite and rather vague, then drift out again with a farewell motto such as "Do your best!" or "You've all done very well!" like Young Mr Grace.

Something for the Weekend My neighbor is talking to a rock. He is trying to persuade it to sing.

Urging him back to the barbecue, I make a mental note to abstain from the cheap luminous pink sparkling rosé that he'd been drinking. It's easy to recognize the bottles – I'm the one who brought them to the party.

He asks me to hang on a mo, turns back to his rockery – is it new? I never noticed it before – and addresses his favorite rock by name.

Something for the Weekend The bloke next to me is acting strangely. Sitting bolt upright and staring straight ahead, he is holding his hand, palm forward, level with his face.

"You don't need to raise your hand, Mike. It's not Zoom, ha ha," laughs the meeting's chair.

Mike remains motionless, stiff as a board, hand still up, not saying anything. So we ignore him and carry on with the discussion.

Something for the Weekend Robots want my face. This is horrifying – not just for me, but for you too. Just imagine: it means robots will be walking around with my face, stuck on their face.

Luckily for me, the process is likely to be virtual, not physical. Nor will I have to do a swap, thank goodness. Knowing my luck I'd end up with neither John Travolta's darling dimples nor Nicolas Cage's vacant visage, but the freaky mush of a post-surgery Bogdanoff twin.

However I'm getting ahead of myself; all of this is in the future. For the moment, we've just about reached a stage where it is possible to present a convincing-looking AI-powered synthetic video of a natural human face that speaks whatever you tell it to in any language you choose – in real time. You can use it, for example, to put a nice face on your product promos, training vids, and weather reports without having to hire an actor and book studio time.

Something for the Weekend How can you save the world's oceans? By investing in NFTs of course!

A global network of campaigning filmmakers, Ocean Collective, hopes to drive up awareness about declining marine biodiversity by developing a digital Museum of Extinction.

Items of artwork from the museum will then be sold as NFT purchases to raise cash to fund a documentary series on the topic along with other environmental awareness projects.

Something for the Weekend? I nearly choked when I read the email. "Your eBay auction has ended. Your NFT has sold for $1 million." That's about $0.999999 million more than I thought it was worth, hence the surprise. Oh, and becoming comfortably well off was a bit of a jolt, I suppose.

You might be wondering what the NFT was. Why? Does it matter? It's just an NFT. It doesn't exist.

My sudden change in financial circumstances mean some changes will take place in my life. I might finally be able to fund one or two little startup app ideas I had, or enjoy some luxuries previously denied to me, such as buying a really big TV, travelling everywhere in First Class, or not having to check my email while I take a day off.

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